So I visited the library today and it is, as our friend Dan would say, “fancy.” Because you have to think “fancy” in the way Dan does it, with his hand up and pinky in the air and the eye-batting, head-wiggling ridiculousness of it.

How was it “fancy”? Well, you could tell right away it wasn’t a normal library because the parking lot was full. We figured out that one third of those cars belonged to parents with their kids, who were hanging in the kids section upstairs. The other two-thirds of people were on the computers, because the library offers free internet. There was a, like, 1/100 percentile of people who were there to work on papers or actually look at books. But these people were negligible.

There was, when you walk in and head a little left, a Java City.

Yes, a Java City. I said it right. Just like at Harding — expensive, smells good, and what the heck was it doing in a library?! Ack! Those poor students trying to stay up late and finish their papers on empty stomachs. Their wallets will be empty by the time they leave! They have ebooks online. They have DVD’s that you can check out. They have audiobooks. They have conference rooms downstairs (yes, three floors!) and an art exhibit by the conference rooms. They have a pretty statue in the front yard and well-maintained grass. They have more than one stop sign in the parking lot.

The worst part is, you know, that the computers with the free internet and the free internetalopers are all right in front of the acutal books. So you have to edge by the frantic typers to reach anything worthy of purusing — and that’s really intimidating.

I’m not really against “fancy” libraries. I just don’t like a lot of people around while I’m trying to find something to read. It makes me nervous, like someone is looking over my shoulder. I mean, I really should have said that the computers were set in toward the middle of the bookshelves, because they kind of were. It’s like taking the computers in the library at Harding (which are right as you walk in, situated beside the reference books) and putting them upstairs by the Best Seller shelves. It’s unnerving, man.